wow. i actually defended myself and got a 5 (a best grade here). i can officially call myself a bachelor of autism (because my work was on language related to autism? and i have autism)(that's a stupid thing to say). now in 2, or rather 1.5 days I'll have an entrance exam in uni in my city. i applied to a master's programme in modern publishing because there was no library science. i would very much like to become a librarian. i wanted to become a translator before but : ) modern times came so i might be able to only stick with hobbyist scanlations. anyway, i still have trouble with bringing myself to study but my luck won't smile at me like that the second time so... off in the offline basement i go

i somehow managed to pass my exams. now in a week - that is, 7 days - i'll just have to defend my thesis. the problem is, i can't bring myself to study and memorise the exam questions. i'm pretty sure it's because of my depression. i feel like it has somehow evolved the last few weeks though. i feel nothing at all and all my senses are blunted. unspeakibly frustrating. i did manage to overcome my phone call phobia however and will visit a psychologist a month from now.... (1st try i called the wrong number for my district, 2nd try no one answered, 3rd try i got an answer right away as i was chewing cheesecake) i wish i had some antidepressants asap though. all i have is my nonexistent will and tired body. also my kitten ate a piece of zucchini

did ekg and heart echo and it turns out that i don't have any heart defect that heritable in my family. and in spite of having random heart racing and all of my life having moments where i'm about to faint i'm actually perfectly healthy. yuppieyay but i suppose i gotta keep on searching for what's wrong with me??? (answer: a whole lot smiles)

exams in a week and if i fail i don't even know what i'm going to do. if i pass i also won't know. but the better choice is obvious